ARIES
(March 21st – April 19th)
Direct your attention to others — maybe friends and family, maybe those less fortunate than you. A Taurus, for example. It’s a good time to rack up some good karma with baked treats or a suitcase full of money.
TAURUS
(April 20th – May 20th)
Don’t be discouraged by a misreading of the stars. Astrology isn’t a science. The universe will eventually reward you with a financial windfall if you keep writing that it will.
GEMINI
(May 21st – June 21st)
Though this probably isn’t the direction you expected your life to go, it’s best to stay exactly where you are. Even a shallow grave on the riverbank holds opportunity.
CANCER
(June 22nd – July 22nd)
Start off in a new direction today — things are all aligned in your favor, but only if you act quickly! If you’re still at the job you took just out of college because you thought it would only be temporary, get out now before it’s too late!
LEO
(July 23rd – August 22nd)
Distract a Sagittarious today.
VIRGO
(August 23rd – September 22nd)
Trust your instincts today — they may not be flawless, but they are serving you better than your logical side. If you think you see a jogger running in the middle of the road at three in the morning, it’s best to error on the side of safety.
LIBRA
(September 23rd – October 22nd)
See if you can get the jump on any self-improvement opportunities that arise today. Hit the gym. Do some research on the clitoris.
SCORPIO
(October 23rd – November 21st)
An opportunity for love may arise from a Pisces or Libra in your life. Go with the Libra. The Pisces is taken. Got it?
SAGITTARIOUS
(November 22nd – December 21st)
It’s harder than ever for you to make progress – maybe that means it’s time to take a step back and review your goals? You should find happiness in yourself; a personal vendetta is only going to ruin more lives. Accidents happen. Get over it.
CAPRICORN
(December 22nd – January 19th)
Your coworkers and family members are all open to what you’ve got to say — so say something soon! It’s a good day for communication of all kinds, and keeping secrets will only turn you into an alcoholic.
AQUARIUS
(January 20th – February 18th)
Your son, the Libra, likes to get spanked in bed. Just so you know.
PISCES
(February 19th – March 20th)
There’s a lot more to see than meets the eye – if a complete stranger shows up at your doorstep today with a suitcase full of money and two plane tickets out of town, take the plunge and trust that her love and knowledge of the stars will protect you from all the incomprehensible miseries of the world.
