SEXY DREAMS RUINED BY OBVIOUS METAPHORS

1. I’m fifteen. It’s the last night of summer camp and I’ve finally convinced Michelle Lang to ‘take a walk’ with me down the rocky shore of Lake Yavapai. We hold hands and giggle as we jump from stone to stone, finally coming upon a wooden gazebo, where we sit and watch the moonlight sparkle on the surface of the water. I asks Michelle if I can kiss her and she says, yes. I place my hand up her shirt and squeeze at her padded bra. We crawl off the bench and sprawl out on the dusty wooden floor. She gives me a hickey. We rip off each other’s clothes. A turtle wearing my mother’s blue-rimmed glasses appears nearby and steals my pants. For some reason, I am unable to outrun the turtle and end up in the middle of the lake. I can hardly swim. I am unable to locate the shore. I shout for Michelle to wait for me before drowning in what now appears to be ketchup.

2. I’m eighteen. My sexy student teacher, Ramona, has asked me to stay after and work on some trigonometry problems. The school is strangely quiet for three in the afternoon. I catch Ramona staring at me and ask her for help on a particularly frustrating question. She stands, removes her jacket, and swaggers through the sea of empty desks between us. She sits on my lap and asks me if I’ve ever been to Venice in the summertime. I lie and tell her yes and her shirt flies off and disappears. Her breasts are perfect. She grabs my hair and forces me to scream her name as we make passionate animal love. Suddenly we are in a car that is speeding out of control towards a brick wall. I ask Ramona what to do and she tells me everything is going to be alright as long as I ace my entrance exams. The car crashes into the wall and I fly through the windshield, landing in a poppy field full of bees that all have my face.

3. I’m twenty-two. A girl that looks like a cross between my tenth-grade girlfriend and a bohemian princess shows up at my doorstep soaking wet. She asks if she can wait out the storm here and I say yes, noticing the weather for the first time. I make tea and she calls some friends to let them know she is alright. We sit in my living room and she kisses me after I tell her a story about a baby bird I once saved. We make love. She tells me that she has never done anything like this before. I try to tell her the same, but my mouth falls off and crashes like a dinner plate on the floor. She screams and runs out into the rain. I try to run after her but my legs snap off and I fall backwards down a well. At the bottom of the well I meet my grandfather, who is dressed as a milkman. He asks me why I never visit and I patiently explain to him that he is dead.