LETTERS TO LIGHTFOOT

#1

Dear Mr. Lightfoot,

I’m a long time fan of yours, going back as far back as The Way I Feel, which is one of my all-time favorite albums ever. My wife is also a huge fan of your music and we often put your records on in the living room to relax after a hard day at work. We recently purchased your newest album, Summertime Dream, and are enjoying it very much. Neither of us have ever written to a musician (or any artist for that manner) but you have a place in both of our hearts and we wanted you to know. If you do not respond, we understand.

Thank you,
Ed and Florence Whistle

#2

Dear Mr. Lightfoot,

My name is Ed Whistle and I sent a letter to your fan mail address about two weeks ago. Since then, my wife and I have been listening to Summertime Dream every day. It is a very good album, though I’m sure you know that. Today we listened to it three times through while I worked on our taxes and my wife tidied up the living room. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is a very moving song. Florence (my wife) says that it is climbing up the charts. If this is true, congratulations!

Best,
Ed and Florence Whistle

#3

Dear Mr. Lightfoot,

Ed and Florence Whistle writing again. We have been trying to reach you over the phone but no one appears to be registering our complaint with any seriousness. Hopefully this letter will reach you and you can call us on our home telephone line.

Life has taken a turn for the worse since we last wrote. We are unable to stop listening to your Summertime Dream album. Your songs – particularly The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald – keep getting stuck in our heads and there seems to be nothing we can do to get them out. We have consulted several doctors, who all say that our condition is by no means your fault (not that we would blame you) and that the only cure for such a thing is to give the record another spin and hope that we somehow become tired of the songs. Of course we took this advice to heart and have listened to Summertime Dream in excess of a thousand times now, but it has done little to assail our affliction.

We love your music, Mr. Lightfoot, but this is starting to interfere with our quality of life. If my wife misses any more work, we will be unable to make our car payment. Please let us know what, if anything, we can do to get your terrific melodies and soulful voice out of our heads.

Thank you,
Ed and Florence Whistle

P.S. “Race Among the Ruins” is playing right now. I would say that this is my favorite song, but I’m not sure what that means any more.

#4

Mr. Lightfoot,

Two months have passed since I sent you our last letter. I wish I had happier news, but the truth is that our condition has greatly deteriorated. As I pen this letter, my beloved wife lies hooked up to machines in a hospital bed, clinging desperately to life. The doctors say that if your record is allowed to skip, her heart may stop beating altogether.

Mr. Lightfoot, your silence in this matter is deafening. I write to you now not only as a fan of your artistry but as a man being reaching out to another man for answers.

Tell me, what did you give the devil in return for his hand in Summertime Dream? What ancient gods did you invoke and awaken for these deviously infectious melodies? Did you know, when you released the album, that you were unleashing a grotesque abomination on the world, an acoustic plague that rivaled the sirens in sheer malevolence?

I want to die, Mr. Lightfoot, but I fear that your soothing vocal stylings will follow my soul and haunt me in my grave.

As I stated in my first letter, though I doubt you’ve found the time to read it, Florence and I have been loyal fans of yours since the very beginning. So I ask you, what did we do to you to deserve this punishment?

Please help me,
Ed Whistle

#5

Mr. Lightfoot–

Florence threw herself into the river. I am following her.

Rot in hell.
Ed Whistle

#6

Dear Gordon Lightfoot,

Just bought Endless Wire and gave it a spin. What the hell happened?

A long time fan,
Chester Laughlin